How to Converse About the Weather….and Other Useless Things

I’ve had a scary moment where I thought I was going to have a spell of writer’s block. I do have a story inside me which I am desperate to write. The only thing stopping me is….actually I don’t know.
That aside I found out in 2010 that I am really good at certain things. One of them is small talk. Yes, I can have a full ten minute conversation about the weather. It often goes a little something like this….

Helpless Soul Who Has Stumbled Across Me And Now Is Trapped In Conversation: God, it’s raining again.

Me: At least it isn’t bloody snowing anymore, it was ridiculous trying to get into work.

HSWH: I know and talk about dangerous. In these times it’s difficult to know who to sue really. The grit men for failing to
fulfil their job description, the shop where I bought these shoes with the slippery bottom or my manager for forcing me to come in.

Me: I can’t wait till it’s summer though. The sun goes up and the shirts come off. I love a good bit of sunshine. You don’t get much in Britain though do you?

HSWH: No, it’s chucking it down one minute, or like the Sahara desert the next.

Me: You can’t trust the weather men either, can you?

HSWH: To be fair they did predict the snow but they looked jolly well pleased with themselves. You’ve got one fella  back in the studio in the warm, might I add, excitedly telling us about the terrible time we’ll have leaving the house. Next thing they’ve cut to some reporter out in the middle of what looks like Russia shouting over the wind, interviewing some poor Grit Man.

Me: It’s the same every year isn’t it? We know it’s going to snow and still cities shut down. I think children need to get some sledges and get themselves into school, it’s ridiculous. Fire used to hail down from the sky and I had to put up an umbrella and still make it into school. I always did as well, on time and with my homework.

I kid you not this was a conversation (well not exactly like this) that I had with a customer. It was deeply enjoyable to complain about it and if you live in the UK it’s not difficult to talk about. So here are three tips for those who would like to indulge in a bit of harmless small talk.

1) Whatever subject you bring up during the conversation always bring it back to the main theme. Weather. Did she/ he just mention hair? Well rain often ruins hair, talk about that. Did she/ he just mention the television? Did you know there are regular forecasts broadcast from our very own television? You can bring the conversation right back to your main point. The weather is interesting. 

2) In the UK it is almost always raining. Try to bring it up. Umbrellas are useless, cars drive through puddles and splash you, without rain we’d have no crops, which would affect the cost of food. There is plenty of things you can say about the rain.

3) Look deep inside your heart and think about how your emotions change with the weather. Does the sun make you happy? Do you despise hailstones (bloody little idiots hitting me over the head all the time.) Throw a bit of emotion into the conversation.

Well done, you are now a master of the weather small talk. I salute you!

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