Cupid Keep Your Poisonous Arrows Away!!

Valentine’s Day.
The bane of the single girl’s existence. Well not really. Judging from Facebook you get the following couples….

Online Couple

Miss In Love: “Love ya babes”
Mr In Love: Right back at ya, I actually washed my sheets tonight, for a special treat.
Voyeur: Get a room! Lol.

(Lol in this scenario means, I’m not bitter, but I am really.)

Miss Bitter Single

16:00pm : I hate Valentine’s Day. Why do you need one day to prove your love for each other? People need to wake up to how they’re being manipulated by adverts. You don’t need armfuls of gifts. Stop falling for it.

21:00pm: I don’t need anyone….espssssly a man

1:00am: I’m so alone…

Miss Bitter Mrs

Mrs Bitter Mrs: Guess what he got me for Valentine’s Day, a bloody bra and an apron.
Unhelpful Helpful Friend: At least you’re getting some, what’s wrong with that?
Mrs Bitter Mrs: It’s a size 40E, I’m a 34G.
Unhelpful Helpful Friend: …….   😦
Mrs Bitter Mrs: I know, and what the hell do I need an apron for?
Sexist Prick: Why aren’t you in the kitchen, put that complaining energy into making a sandwich.
Unhelpful Helpful Friend: STFU!!!
Sexist Prick: Too much talking, not enough sandwich making.

Young Casanova (Kyle Markson)

(The Day after Valentine’s)

Nosy Bugger: So did you bang her or wot?
Casanova: I fink so, was too drunk to remember.
Claire: You got me instead.
Nosy Bugger: Who da fook is dis?
Claire: I’m Kaylee’s mate. I was lying next to her and you missed her and got me instead.
Casanova: Ahh my head is banging. Who r u? Claire who?
Nosy Bugger: I’ll check….eurgh, that Claire. She is butters mate!!! ROTFL!!!
Claire: I’m still here!!!
Nosy Bugger: I know, I want you to read that!!!
Casanova:You Kyle Markson are getting deleted, you’re a wanker.
Nosy Bugger: Of course he is, what do you think he’s doing right now?

Mr and Mrs Breakup

Mrs Breakup: I’m so glad I don’t have to spend Valentine’s with a dickhead who thinks a second hand card and some bubble wrap is a proper gift. Glad to be rid of him.
Mr Breakup: Well at least I’m with someone who knows the meaning of the word ‘hair removal cream,’ it was like a forest down there last time I checked. Get it sort out.
Mrs Breakup: Well at least I’m with someone who knows that g-spot isn’t a kind of football move. Not that you could ever hit that, much like you couldn’t hit the back of a goal. At least I’m finally satisfied.
Mr Breakup: Oh your finger has a name now does it?
Mrs Breakup: God, you’re so crude.
Mr Breakup: Well you started all this, as per. Just can’t keep it shut can you? Much like your legs. How’s Greg by the way?
Mrs Breakup: Satisfied.
Mr Breakup: Low blow.
Mrs Breakup’s Mum: I have been on Facebook for the past few minutes and am disgusted. Thank goodness the vicar died it would have killed him to see you two arguing after he was the one who married you.

**************

Well most of these couples exist in my own head but it does teach us all something. I don’t really know what but let’s pretend.

For all you lovers out there, here is a playlist. For all you self lovers (if you know what I mean, and I think you do) here’s a playlist.

Before pressing play though be aware that as you get nearer to the end, the songs get more flithy. If you are unprepared for such filth please don’t press. I don’t want to be cyber kicked.

Beginning at A for Aphrodite-Goddess of Love and Beauty

1. Play

2. Play 

3. Play

4. Play

5. Play

6. Play

7. Play

Ending at E for Eris- Goddess of Chaos and Discord

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under The News We Care About

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s