The older I get the more I feel I need a PA. Is anyone willing to fill that vacancy? I’ll pay you minimum wage and Krispy Kremes. This is the kind of interview you might go through and you might even be hired at the end of it.
…take my hand, I’ll show you what it will be like……
-Enter Ruth who has applied for the position of Stapler Technician Assistant
(I’ve asked all of the most boring questions, about her goals, dreams *yawn*, her life beyond me…eurgh boring)
Me: So, before we wrap this interview up, I have one question for you. How tall are you?
Me: You look about 5”6…
Ruth: Well yeah but what does that have to do with…?
Me: Well it’s a scientific fact, one that I just made up now, that it takes taller people 0.5 seconds longer to sit down at their desk then, say, a shorter person. Just something to consider.
Me: Also I noticed your date of birth on here…September? Sorry that’s the same date as mine and what I’m asking is, would you be willing to perhaps change that date? Just move it to say a few days later. You can even use the scraps left over from my birthday bash office party. So if you were employed by me, is that something you’d consider doing?
Ruth: You want me to change my birthday?
Me: No, just move it, I think it’s a reasonable request.
Ruth: (makes strangled noise)
Me: Also I notice you don’t have much experience of working with staplers. This is, after all, a stapler business. What is this big chunk on your cv?
Ruth: My university education, I got a first and…
Me: See you have to look at this from my point of view. Sylvia in the office can staple a hundred pieces of paper together in under half an hour. I imagine that your education didn’t prepare you for stapling at all, did it? That’s rather annoying. What this will mean is that you would have to train for three months to be fully prepared for this role. What do you think about that?
Ruth: Well I’ve always been determined when it comes to learning the ropes of any job. I’m eager to learn, a quick learner at that. I’m looking for a permanent position and this role just suits me.
Me: One word: desperate. Now, just a few questions to go. This covers whether you would fit into the office and hierarchy. This question is about recreational time. We do tend to have breaks where we just stop and get to know each other. One of our main activities is to watch Disney movies at lunch time and consider how to win over our prince. There was a lot of anger in our office at the idea of Kate Middleton stealing Prince William but anyone who wears a hat the way she does is worthy of forgiveness. So I’m going to give you a line from The Little Mermaid and I need you to sing the next few lines, till I tell you to stop. Right..
Ruth: ‘this one longing to be thinner, that one wants to get the girl and do I help them…yes indeed.”
(I hold my hand up.)
Me: Beautiful, well maybe not the singing, work on that. There is some truth to that song as it does happen once or twice, someone can’t pay the price and I’m afraid I do have to rake them across the coals. So that’s something else, would you consider being a bailiff for the company?
Ruth: I thought we were working with staplers?
Me: Well some people do prefer to buy on credit and often can’t pay up.
Ruth: I thought staplers were just £9.99…?
Me: Well I’m sorry but we aren’t all rich. Ten pound is a lot of money and I won’t stand to be robbed. Yes or no, are you willing?
Ruth: I guess.
Me: Not as determined as I thought. So we are about to wrap up this interview up but I have one final request. In the music video, Your Entertainment, Adam Lambert walks forward in slow motion. All eyes are on him, his manliner is perfect…do the walk.
Me: You’ll figure it out, Tallie, music please!
(Oh Ruth, do you know what you got into? Can you handle what I’m bout to do? Cause it’s about to get rough for you, I’m here for your entertainment.)
***Yes my office will be full of short people, discrimination or time saver. You decide!